Sadness.

I have lost my Dad.
He could not struggle on anymore with this life. His heart became too weak and his lungs became too scarred. His intellect was sound and he made the decision to let go. I begged him to stay, but I respect his decision. He made it with dignity and with pride for all that he loved and accomplished in his life.
I just wish I could still have him here. For one more hug. For one more conversation.
He promised me that he would always be right over my shoulder, there whenever I needed him, no matter what. I know he is. I can feel him. He continues to inspire me.
My dad was a great man and a great lawyer. He believed in the law and was passionate about it. He believed in the protection of the law. He never acted on behalf of a client or himself without researching the law completely to be certain that his actions were right. He was a fighter. He didn't settle for anything without giving his all. He was unusual, in that he believed in helping his friends, and clients, more frequently than not, became friends. He often consulted and helped people without charging them, because he truly cared about them. Also because he wanted them to believe in the law and the court system as he did.
Oh, and he believed that many lawyers these days deserve the reputation they get. Because they only care about the profession and the pay, rather than the true principles that are provided to protect individuals.
Do I want my Dad back, sitting in his chair in the office? Of course I do. More than anything. But I will let him rest now, knowing that he is not struggling for air and wishing he had the strength to work in his yard that he loves, play "territory" with his grandkids, carry the groceries in for Mom, and knowing that he gave me everything he possibly could to carry on in this world without him. It's going to be hard, but, well, he gave me, me. I wouldn't be who I am, especially now, if he hadn't been there for me.
I know you're over my shoulder, Dad. One more hug, please?

Graduation & Salutations!

I've really graduated. Although I walked across the stage and did the ceremony with my classmates, I hadn't actually finished all of my clinical class. Now, one month after the ceremony, I've finished it all. I'm proud of myself for what I have done, I'd be more satisfied if there wasn't one miserable B on my transcript. There's a lot I could say about that B, but won't waste your time on it, other to say that it was wrong, and I deserved an A. B stands for a "black mark" in my book, even though I know it's not really.
What will I do now? Everyone asks me that. I really don't know. I wish I could just hurl myself into another career direction. I'm actually a bit jealous of my classmates who are in the position to send out resumes, interview and get a new job. (Not that its all that easy) I would love to get into medical coding. I would love to learn and get qualified in medical systems. I would love to continue in academia. I don't know what to do next other than enjoy the very comfortable job and half-way decent pay I have now. Except that I know at some point that is going to end.
At the same time, I am watching my parents growing into old age and I know that they need me. Dad is weaker than ever with CHF and mom is not able to do what she is used to. Marv & I spend more & more time just being there for them. We are happy to do it and I'm learning more about my Dad than ever. This is his time to reflect and I am comforted by my conversations with him. When I was little and not feeling well, he would rest his hand on my back (I was little and relative to me, his hand was as big as my back) and I would feel warm and safe. As long as he is here with me I will feel safe. He is my hero. In spite of all faults, he is my hero.
So I have to be where I have to be? And I have to make sure that when I go, I go in the right direction. I know that I have the ability to move in a new career direction and that I should do what I need to do to sustain my needs and my family.
I'm just having a little trouble convincing myself.