These new days....

I enjoy these internet/Facebook memes that comment about love, life and parenting.  Some of them hit home.  I wonder why we need them to express ourselves.  They can be handy I guess. 

When Eric was born, and before, I kept a journal.  My feelings, and my awarenesses.  Then came Stacey and I was busy with Eric and worried about problems I was having with my pregnancy that stopped me short of journaling as much like I did before.   By the time Evan came along, I found I just wanted to live it, and not worry about writing.  As time passed, I felt the same about taking pictures of stuff.  I wanted to live it and watch it, not try to take photos of it.

So now we have all this Facebook stuff and social media throwing sentiments our way and asking us to throw them out there some more.  It’s okay, I guess.  But what is more important is that we make sure we aren’t living & experiencing it off the internet, because it’s convenient.  I see that as a dangerous possibility.

If all this was available when my kids were growing up, I don’t know how it would have changed things for certain, but I am certainly aware that it would not have led to the wonderful time I had raising them – on my own – making my own judgments and sometimes my own mistakes.

I’m sorry that kids today have all this at their fingertips and may choose to weigh it against the reality of the love of their families.

We all have to leave this lifetime at some time or another.  It’s confusing and often painful though, when one of us leaves before the rest of us are ready or even thinking about letting go.  I don’t understand why some leave when we don’t expect it.  I didn’t expect Dad to leave, but he expected it and tried to prepare the rest of us.  I just didn’t want to listen and believe what he was telling me.  He was the most vitally thinking person I have known and I didn’t listen – and I did not prepare myself.

Now his secretary, Barb Bradley, his confidant and more than anything, his friend, is gone too.  I didn’t know her that well, but she knew me – through my Dad’s eyes.  Her wonderful husband is grieving now, much like Mom has been over the past year. 

It hurts, terribly.  The ones we love move on, leaving us here.  Not knowing for certain where they are or how we can pick up the pieces without them here tending to us and making our lives whole. 

I think of my Grandma.  She lost her husband and was able to go on. She was extraordinary.  Dad acknowledged that and I always have too.

I think of my own mortality.  I worry that my husband will suddenly be gone.  

Whatever happens,  happens.  I’m certainly not prepared.

I will keep doing what I can to take care of my mom.  I will continue to work, get paid, and pay my bills. 

Life goes on.  We should rejoice in life.  And we should pay attention to life.  To love.  To those we have lost. To what they mean to us. To what they have made us.

Oh Geez. Where have I been?

Working, doin' stuff.  Watchin' hawks in our trees.

Missin' Dad.  Every single day.  Tomorrow will be one year since he passed.  Tonight is 52 weeks since he told me he was done with the fight. I'm having a hard time tonight.  But I know it will get better. 

For my riding, I've taken up cutting cows!  It's a big challenge, but so much fun.  Thank you Stace for encouraging me.  You are right - it's cool!

For my work, things are the same.  I've looked for opportunities in HIM and will continue to look for something suitable.  I've had a couple of interviews.  I'll know when it's right. 

Happy New Year!

Happy Birthday to my Dad!  I tell you every year how much I love you and that you are my hero.  This year is no different.  I love you.  You have always been my hero.

I'm officially a Registered Health Information Technician.  RHIT - my credentials.  I think back.  I had broken my collarbone and had been unable to ride for almost nine months.  My best friend going back to high school passed away.  I felt compelled to make a change in my life.  Horses and riding were still and are still my passion. But in that summer my life went in a new direction.  I'm so happy to have made the decision to go to school and get at least my Associate Degree. It brought me closer to you Dad. And it improved my life.  Not only via education, but through the wonderful new friends I made. 

Hrrumph

Like I said - Hrrumph.

Duh!

So you know what is on my mind?  All the time?
How much I love my dad and miss him.
We talked every night down in his office. 
While I know he is with me and I try to do what we talked about, I'm lost and powerless to carry on in the way he asked me to. I don't want him to be disappointed in me.  I know he isn't.
I only wish I could fight the fight and carry on with his work and intentions.
I'll take care of Mom, and our house, our home.I'll do my best.
I love you so much Dad.  You have always been my hero. 
I need  you more than ever.

Thanks!

What a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.  It started with Eric and Chandra coming in on Sunday from Eugene, then Bill and Sarah on Wednesday and Stacey and Mike arriving late and being there on Thursday.  Ted and Kelli with our little Addi were there and cousin Don was there to deep fry the turkey.  Evan and Kelli, Phil, Christie and my buddies were all there to celebrate.  We missed our Meghan, but know that she was with her mom and grandma, who also needed her.  We gave Mom her Christmas present early - a new 47" tv with a new cabinet to go with it.  She cried.  She loved it.  She said that it was exactly what Dad wanted.  Every year Dad found something special that they needed.  He got it and that was their Christmas present to each other. I told Mom that because Dad told us to take care of her, that this was his gift to her as well as ours.  Phil got it all set up on Wednesday night so that we were ready for T-day football games.  She has commented every day how she loves it.  I know that is because it is what Dad would have done, and the security she feels in that. 
I know we all have to move forward, but this is going to be our first set of holidays without my Dad.  I want my life to be reflective of what Dad wanted for me and I want our holidays to be the same.  Dad said to me in regard to exchanging Christmas gifts, "We all take (a certain amount of $$) and spend it on each other in exchange for the same ($$) we receive.  Why don't we just put that $$ back in our pocket and just focus on our time together?" 
It's something to consider.  I know we like the surprise  and the fun of surprising  with our gifts.  But those gifts are just things.  We need instead to be genuine and loving, doing for each other in ways that are the most meaningful.
I am thankful for my life with my Dad.  I love him with all my heart and will hold him close and dear to me forever.  I am also thankful for Marv and for my brothers and my Mom and my kids and their wonderful spouses.  I am thankful for my really wonderful friends who have been the source of so much support and joy. 

With tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I say I love you all.

I'm in a mood.

there are things I like, and things I don't.  ANY QUESTIONS?

Try not to get bored with me....

Geez, I miss my Dad!

3 Months

Three months ago tonight I said goodbye to Dad and gave him my last kiss and hug.  I wish I could have stayed with him and could have helped him along with his passage.  But I think he knew better of me.  He knew I didn't really have the strength.  So he sent me home.  I look back and see those last moments of his time here as moments that I could have had and didn't have the strength to handle.  I love you. Dad.  You know my heart.

Everyday I want him back here. You know, physically back here.  So we can talk and joke around like we had gotten so accustomed to.  I know his energy is here.  He's in the house that he loves and he watches over Mom.  I just long for that physical being I was used to.  So does Mom. 

Integrity

Integrity.  Dignity.  Justice. Strength come from those things.  And peace follows.  It all starts with Integrity.

RHIT

I'm a Registered Health Information Technician, or Technologist; something like that.  I passed my certification exam and can legitimately post the initials RHIT after my name.  Thanks, Dad, for sitting with me during my exam.  I was preparing myself for the worst - failure - and somehow got a great score and passed with flying colors. I expected to pass before I took the exam, but during it - OH Dear God! - I was scared I was totally blowing it!  I know Dad was helping to keep my wits about me. 
Now, to use my knowledge.  I've worked up a nice looking resume' for someone who has been in sales for 30 years, and now I just have to put it out there.
I still go to the office most days and work - on the resume',  or cycle.  Mom bought a recumbent bike for us to work on. I also look at some of Dad's work.  I want to read it all.  I've looked at some of the genealogy studies he was working on.  I wish he was here to tell me more. 
So life's changes have one-upped me for the time being.  Time for me to put it together and move ahead.

Sadness.

I have lost my Dad.
He could not struggle on anymore with this life. His heart became too weak and his lungs became too scarred. His intellect was sound and he made the decision to let go. I begged him to stay, but I respect his decision. He made it with dignity and with pride for all that he loved and accomplished in his life.
I just wish I could still have him here. For one more hug. For one more conversation.
He promised me that he would always be right over my shoulder, there whenever I needed him, no matter what. I know he is. I can feel him. He continues to inspire me.
My dad was a great man and a great lawyer. He believed in the law and was passionate about it. He believed in the protection of the law. He never acted on behalf of a client or himself without researching the law completely to be certain that his actions were right. He was a fighter. He didn't settle for anything without giving his all. He was unusual, in that he believed in helping his friends, and clients, more frequently than not, became friends. He often consulted and helped people without charging them, because he truly cared about them. Also because he wanted them to believe in the law and the court system as he did.
Oh, and he believed that many lawyers these days deserve the reputation they get. Because they only care about the profession and the pay, rather than the true principles that are provided to protect individuals.
Do I want my Dad back, sitting in his chair in the office? Of course I do. More than anything. But I will let him rest now, knowing that he is not struggling for air and wishing he had the strength to work in his yard that he loves, play "territory" with his grandkids, carry the groceries in for Mom, and knowing that he gave me everything he possibly could to carry on in this world without him. It's going to be hard, but, well, he gave me, me. I wouldn't be who I am, especially now, if he hadn't been there for me.
I know you're over my shoulder, Dad. One more hug, please?

Graduation & Salutations!

I've really graduated. Although I walked across the stage and did the ceremony with my classmates, I hadn't actually finished all of my clinical class. Now, one month after the ceremony, I've finished it all. I'm proud of myself for what I have done, I'd be more satisfied if there wasn't one miserable B on my transcript. There's a lot I could say about that B, but won't waste your time on it, other to say that it was wrong, and I deserved an A. B stands for a "black mark" in my book, even though I know it's not really.
What will I do now? Everyone asks me that. I really don't know. I wish I could just hurl myself into another career direction. I'm actually a bit jealous of my classmates who are in the position to send out resumes, interview and get a new job. (Not that its all that easy) I would love to get into medical coding. I would love to learn and get qualified in medical systems. I would love to continue in academia. I don't know what to do next other than enjoy the very comfortable job and half-way decent pay I have now. Except that I know at some point that is going to end.
At the same time, I am watching my parents growing into old age and I know that they need me. Dad is weaker than ever with CHF and mom is not able to do what she is used to. Marv & I spend more & more time just being there for them. We are happy to do it and I'm learning more about my Dad than ever. This is his time to reflect and I am comforted by my conversations with him. When I was little and not feeling well, he would rest his hand on my back (I was little and relative to me, his hand was as big as my back) and I would feel warm and safe. As long as he is here with me I will feel safe. He is my hero. In spite of all faults, he is my hero.
So I have to be where I have to be? And I have to make sure that when I go, I go in the right direction. I know that I have the ability to move in a new career direction and that I should do what I need to do to sustain my needs and my family.
I'm just having a little trouble convincing myself.

Sorry,

I'll get here eventually. I promise.

I know, I know

Its been a long time since I have been here. I just never feel like my life is that interesting that I have something to talk about on a regular basis. But, now, here I am.
I am at the point now with school that I am looking forward to graduation & becoming certified in the field of Health Information Technology. In 9 or 10 months I may actually have credentials listed after my name. If my efforts could be a part of anything to bring about health care reform in our country I would feel better about the degree. But I'm otherwise quite sure that I have improved myself, if no one else, by making my first real effort towards a college degree. Jury is out on where I will go with this AAS degree. I'd like to continue toward some sort of BS degree, but I don't know what kind, so I think I'll just be happy to have accomplished what I have.
Making my studies easier has at the same time brought me closer (I know, how much closer could I be?) to Mom & Dad. I've taken up space in Dad's library to study. It feels good to just be there on an almost daily basis. Dad & I talk. I can hear Mom walking around upstairs. I watch their shenanigans - I'm telling you, I no longer have any doubt where our crazy sense of humor comes from!
The best thing is talking to Dad. I've always been able to talk to Mom, but never felt like I had anything to say that Dad was interested in. I mean he has always been interested in my kids and we could always talk about how they were doing, but beyond that I just didn't have much else I felt I could to relate with. Ted, Bill & Phil always had golf, sports & other guy stuff to talk about and I always felt a little left out, but just could not, and still cannot relate to GOLF! Ugh. That's all I have to say to that! And I always felt like my "girl" opinions on football & other sports were not worth the time of day to them. Now that I have learned to study, and to research and to learn, I find it just fascinating to talk to Dad about things & listen to his perspective and feel that I have something valuable to contribute to the conversation. I love being in the office & knowing that he's there working on something in his office, as I'm working on my studies in the library.
I wish that I could be as passionate about my field of study as he is about the law. I don't see how until real health care equity exists for all citizens of the country. If I could find a way to dedicate my efforts toward that end, I would be truly excited. I'm keeping my eyes & ears open, and I'll continue to learn.

Today

I talked to Dad & for the first time in months he sounded good; better; like the way he normally is and should be.
I went to the Dr. about this horrible pain in the neck I've been having. I start physical therapy tomorrow. I don't have the time or money for it, but I'll do whatever I have to do. Also the Dr gave me the name of a chiropractor that he trusts so I can check into that for future use. While I understand his reasoning for preferring PT over chiropractic, and I will follow the path of least resistance, I have found that over the long term, chiropractic has been more cost effective.
Gonzo is looking at me right now & wondering why Marv is making so much noise on his electric guitar, and additionally, why we have not gone to bed. I have tried to explain that I cannot explain Marv and his noise, and that now we will at least curl up in bed & read Lamb for a while before checking out for the night.

Another day

...in the life of this Weeble. Family meeting today. It's important to be united. I know my Dad is worried about how things are going in his life and at his age and state of health. Yet the fact that he organized a meeting to discuss it is just one more piece of evidence that he is still a strong and capable man who is just traveling through unfamiliar territory. What he needs to know is that we are here for him, and for Mom. We are, and there is no question that we can take care of them when needed.
I got quite a lot of homework done today. I have quite a bit more to do. But I don't feel the futility that I felt last semester. Tomorrow I will plug away at more of it.
The "thing" about school is I have to miss time at work. I do enjoy being at work, especially because when I am at work I get paid for that time! Beside that, I like the people I work with, and enjoy spending time with them. I am beginning to get to know some of the people in the program I'm in at school and suggested we have a night out to have some fun & get to know each other better. The suggestion was well received by one or two - we'll see what happens.
I miss Biff. I miss grooming him & petting on him. I miss the whole barn experience. Riding was only a small part of what I enjoy about having a horse. I miss the whole Stacey/Biff/Barn experience. Hangin out with other people there & watching them ride & take lessons; watching Stacey work horses. I'm missing it a lot.

Where Have I Been?

Not far. Very near, in fact. I've been right here, but overwhelmed with school, work and the rest of my life. Why is it so overwhelming? I don't know. I just try to keep up. Oh, I guess the fact that I am compulsive about getting straight A's in school contributes to the overwhelmsion. (New word - do you like it?)
Depression, the chronic kind, is on my mind. I've battled with it most of my life. Some people say you just need to get over it & stop feeling sorry for yourself. It doesn't work that way. I have scoliosis. My mother used to tell me, when I was a kid, to stand up straight. I couldn't straighten out my spine any more than someone who is clinically depressed can "get over it". It's not a choice.
That being said, it's been a grueling semester, a lovely holiday and so far a peaceful new year for me. I'm looking at life's changes in the face and am a bit stunned. The cool thing is, I'm part of a really great family & we'll take life's changes on the chin & have a good time together. As long as we have "The Instructions" to guide us, we can get through anything.
I'd like to say that I am particularly happy that Evan has found Kelli and Stacey & Mike are together. I'm feeling good about these things.
Marv has taken up cooking. This is nice. He's nearly perfect. Nearly.

Riding

I've come to the conclusion that we ride horses because we want to live vicariously through them. We want to feel and be a part of the beauty that we see in them. But through our desire we often take away from the spirit that makes them so beautiful to us. We try to make them into what we want them to be instead of enjoying what they are. Partnership with our horses can only happen when we accept them for what they are and let them show us how to be.