These new days....

I enjoy these internet/Facebook memes that comment about love, life and parenting.  Some of them hit home.  I wonder why we need them to express ourselves.  They can be handy I guess. 

When Eric was born, and before, I kept a journal.  My feelings, and my awarenesses.  Then came Stacey and I was busy with Eric and worried about problems I was having with my pregnancy that stopped me short of journaling as much like I did before.   By the time Evan came along, I found I just wanted to live it, and not worry about writing.  As time passed, I felt the same about taking pictures of stuff.  I wanted to live it and watch it, not try to take photos of it.

So now we have all this Facebook stuff and social media throwing sentiments our way and asking us to throw them out there some more.  It’s okay, I guess.  But what is more important is that we make sure we aren’t living & experiencing it off the internet, because it’s convenient.  I see that as a dangerous possibility.

If all this was available when my kids were growing up, I don’t know how it would have changed things for certain, but I am certainly aware that it would not have led to the wonderful time I had raising them – on my own – making my own judgments and sometimes my own mistakes.

I’m sorry that kids today have all this at their fingertips and may choose to weigh it against the reality of the love of their families.

We all have to leave this lifetime at some time or another.  It’s confusing and often painful though, when one of us leaves before the rest of us are ready or even thinking about letting go.  I don’t understand why some leave when we don’t expect it.  I didn’t expect Dad to leave, but he expected it and tried to prepare the rest of us.  I just didn’t want to listen and believe what he was telling me.  He was the most vitally thinking person I have known and I didn’t listen – and I did not prepare myself.

Now his secretary, Barb Bradley, his confidant and more than anything, his friend, is gone too.  I didn’t know her that well, but she knew me – through my Dad’s eyes.  Her wonderful husband is grieving now, much like Mom has been over the past year. 

It hurts, terribly.  The ones we love move on, leaving us here.  Not knowing for certain where they are or how we can pick up the pieces without them here tending to us and making our lives whole. 

I think of my Grandma.  She lost her husband and was able to go on. She was extraordinary.  Dad acknowledged that and I always have too.

I think of my own mortality.  I worry that my husband will suddenly be gone.  

Whatever happens,  happens.  I’m certainly not prepared.

I will keep doing what I can to take care of my mom.  I will continue to work, get paid, and pay my bills. 

Life goes on.  We should rejoice in life.  And we should pay attention to life.  To love.  To those we have lost. To what they mean to us. To what they have made us.

Oh Geez. Where have I been?

Working, doin' stuff.  Watchin' hawks in our trees.

Missin' Dad.  Every single day.  Tomorrow will be one year since he passed.  Tonight is 52 weeks since he told me he was done with the fight. I'm having a hard time tonight.  But I know it will get better. 

For my riding, I've taken up cutting cows!  It's a big challenge, but so much fun.  Thank you Stace for encouraging me.  You are right - it's cool!

For my work, things are the same.  I've looked for opportunities in HIM and will continue to look for something suitable.  I've had a couple of interviews.  I'll know when it's right. 

Happy New Year!

Happy Birthday to my Dad!  I tell you every year how much I love you and that you are my hero.  This year is no different.  I love you.  You have always been my hero.

I'm officially a Registered Health Information Technician.  RHIT - my credentials.  I think back.  I had broken my collarbone and had been unable to ride for almost nine months.  My best friend going back to high school passed away.  I felt compelled to make a change in my life.  Horses and riding were still and are still my passion. But in that summer my life went in a new direction.  I'm so happy to have made the decision to go to school and get at least my Associate Degree. It brought me closer to you Dad. And it improved my life.  Not only via education, but through the wonderful new friends I made.